Being Chinese American in China
On every count, I considered myself as an American — I speak English, have American friends, eat American food. I never really felt Chinese, having few strong connections to my culture, other than food and some traditions.
The thing is though, I will never be fully American. The subtleties of Chinese culture — from family dynamic to personal relationships — add slight and structural differences from American culture. We have a more conservative family, conversing more about advice than movies we watched, more reserved in expressing our emotions. There's an inherent difference, yet it's minimal to an outside perspective. The larger difference is obvious:
I look Chinese.
Even considering a growing diverse population in America, a shared history and culture is carried behind every diverse face. It's not a bad thing, but that's why we're called Chinese American and not solely American. Someone who is Caucasian and speaks fluent English is just American. So, I found myself feeling American, but not seeing myself as one.
Visiting China, I found that I am also not fully Chinese either. I understand it well, speak less well, and my reading and writing skills are practically nonexistent. In Beijing, I was getting a haircut, when the barber tried talking with me. I not only had trouble communicating, but it was hard relating. They had a different education system and a different value scale. Combined, It was hard to contribute.
Chinese American culture is like a guy who has two different friend groups. Who do you sit by at lunch?
So, I'm in the middle, neither one or the other. Fortunately, deep down I know it's a blessing. From Shanghai to Beijing, I saw the products of a growing power; I saw westernized brands; I saw skyscrapers; I saw wealth: I saw a unique beauty. In many ways, there is a bridge forming.
Nonetheless, It's hard to pinpoint why I feel good to be Chinese American. Isn't the cards stacked? Maybe its knowing I have more of a diverse story to tell — I'm different in a way. Still, I'm not at the point where I can confidently explain why.
My inherent feeling still has it's ebb and flow.
